Forgiveness—the act of no longer "feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake" is something people tend to avoid.
One of the first things I like to do with clients during a coaching session is to discuss any difficulties or issues they have with anyone that requires forgiveness. The most common response to this exercise is, "they don’t deserve my forgiveness". However, forgiveness is not about what people deserve or don’t deserve, nor is it about excusing others; it’s about self-healing and reclaiming one’s life.
One crucial step toward forgiveness is releasing the need for an apology. While it may feel better to receive one, it should not dictate your ability to forgive. Waiting for an apology allows others to continue to affect how you feel and prevents you from having control over your emotions. Instead, as Robert Brault suggests, "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."
Whether you receive an apology or not, it is more important for you to release the pain and anger you may be feeling toward others. To do this, one must first realize that forgiveness is not a hall pass. You are not saying that someone’s hurtful behavior is okay, nor are you inviting them to remain in your life. Instead, you are saying that their behavior will no longer define yours. You are releasing the harmful energy and you are creating space for more positive emotions. If you choose not to release these emotions of anger, resentment and/or sadness, they are stored in your body and can easily be triggered by other people in your life. As long as they remain in your system, they can manifest as problems with others who had nothing to do with these feelings in the first place. For some people, the inability to forgive has affected their ability to have happy healthy relationships.
I recently explored this issue with a client whose parents divorced when she was young. As a child, her parents’ split was followed by a series of disappointments in her father’s failure to make good on his promises to participate in her life. After failing to show up at school recitals, soccer games, birthday celebrations and other events of hers, she built anger and resentment that remained unresolved into adulthood. Though she recognized the need to forgive him and believed she had done so, the emotions remained hidden—an internal minefield just waiting for someone to step the wrong way and set off. When her current partner showed up late for a holiday party due to a 10-car traffic accident on the highway, it triggered the same level of disappointment she felt at her father who hadn’t shown up at all to her party as a child. Though she recognized how irrational it was to react the same way, her emotions were still those of a young wounded girl. You can imagine how this dynamic has recurred throughout this client’s life and how unfair it is to both herself and to people who have not done anything to invite those responses. Our work focused on the importance of releasing pain and negating its power in her life.
Forgiveness can be difficult, but it is one of the most beneficial and misunderstood tools we have in our arsenal. Ghandi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Ghandi recognized that refusing to forgive stems from one’s ego and gives those who hurt us the ability to negatively impact us indefinitely.
When working with clients, I offer a method that helps ease the painful side of the process while acknowledging and valuing the lessons learned. I encourage everyone to see forgiveness as a bridge toward empowerment; a method of regaining control in their lives and setting themselves free.